Grieving the Living

the complex grief of fractured friendships

Whether you listen to the VoiceOver for accessibility, because you’re more of an auditory learner or so you can grab some movement while we’re together—it will consistently be an option.

Photo by Alexandru Acea on Unsplash

After 54 1/2 years on the planet I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve learned to embrace my fears.

I’ve learned alllll about forgiveness and resilience.

I’ve learned (and this is a big one around here) I cannot simultaneously be committed to my bullshit and my growth.

I’d thought I’d learned acceptance around loss of relationships and how to rebound.

Spoiler alert: I was wrong.

There was a b i g lesson left for me to learn.

How to grieve the living.

How to mourn the loss of a human not returning to *my* life, yet who’s still happily existing.

I was uncertain how to honor the way the relationship changed me (& how without her friendship I kinda felt empty) even though I knew it had come to its logical conclusion.

And, as with all things I’m befuddled by, I like to think you’re challenged by these same scenarios.

And a Substack post was born.

📌 Feel the sads.

For me the hardest part of grieving someone still around was found in the minutiae of daily living.

I’d see/hear something only the two of us would find funny and my instinct would be: XXX would love this! I should share it with her!

And then depression set in.

Well-meaning friends would say Tell *me* all that stuff. I’ll laugh!! —but it wasn’t the same.

My biggest lesson around grieving a human who’s alive but gone from my life was the realization mourning is appropriate.

It’s OK to have reflex feelings of sadness when these moments hit and it’s more than OK to pause and embrace these complicated feelings.

It felt less miserable to imagine how my ‘missing person’ would have experienced the triggering moment than to attempt to replicate with someone else.

For me the former was sad, the latter felt sad plus hollow.

My now 18 year old at age 8 giving her version of sad clown

📌 Look in the rear-view mirror…

but don’t set up residency there.

Remember the person is still here just not in your life at the moment.

Remember the present moment doesn’t override a shared past.

Even though the current relationship has shifted it doesn’t change the connection you experienced.

Resist the urge to purge your literal/metaphorical space of remembrances. Instead designate a finite period of time to reflect.

Consciously stop and acknowledge the good this person brought to your life and the impact they had on your world.

📌 Trust your gut.

AKA do not do the ‘reach out and try to repair’ which is born from a sense of loneliness.

Or, more candidly put,  if you’re Carla don’t do it more than, say, five or six times.

Maybe it’s not too late? Maybe we can fix this? Maybe I overestimated the rift?

Let it go.

Don’t slam the door.

Don’t burn bridges (we never know what’s coming down life’s path).

Do listen to your gut and release for today.

When we become still and are open to hearing what our intuition is telling us—we know what to do.

stop drop and meditate

📌 Exhale.

It’s important to remember, whatever the relationship, it wouldn’t have ended if it were meant to exist in its current state.

(reread that. it become a mantra here.)

A sense of freedom/ability to fully exhale, however, only arrives when we are willing to take responsibility for creating false expectations.

These flawed expectations take varying forms (I need you to behave a certain way to live in my home. I want you to be something you simply cannot.) yet when we’re honest with ourselves we can see they’re there.

Whether the relationship was romantic, friend or familial love often it’s as nuanced, layered and simple as ending because of unmet expectations.

When I paused and assumed responsibility for the unrealistic expectations I’d placed on my friend my emotions shifted.

I was able to experience gratitude for all she was/was able to be and, more than that, deep appreciation for everything I’d learned throughout our friendship.

I was able to exhale.

how I think I look like during the deep exhale

Did these steps aid me in handling my post-relationship ending grief?

Yes.

Did these steps immediately heal/allow me to move forward sans sense of loss?

Absolutely not.

For me grief is an attempt to make sense of a situation and pushing myself to ‘just know’ something else lies ahead.

For me grief is the Yung Pueblo notion we cannot erase memories (nor should we desire to) but we can release the heavy energies attached to them.

And you?

• Whether friendship, romantic or familial—have you grieved the loss of someone still living and how did YOU handle it?