The Mirror Effect
finding ourselves in others' eyes
You know that feeling when you're about to meet someone you admire, and your mind starts playing games?
That's where I found myself the other day, heading to meet the inimitable Jay Papasan for coffee. A bright spot which had been sitting on my calendar for months, a marker of anticipation in this currently wonky world. As the day grew closer, I felt a mix of excitement and curiosity about how our scheduled hour would unfold.
Spoiler alert: we had so much in common it was almost uncanny: from the books that shaped our approach to life, to the cities we've lived on or considered, to how we think about humans and what makes them tick.
If you’ve hung here with regularity you already know how Front Row People, those humans who bear witness to our lives with intentional presence, give us a gift regularly. They see us, hold space for our growth, celebrate our wins. There’s just something *different* about being witnessed by someone new, someone who carries weight in the world yet meets us with fresh eyes.
As an extroverted introvert (heavy on the introvert side), I wondered about filling an hour with meaningful conversation. Would we connect? Would the conversation flow naturally? Would I have enough to say to someone whose work has influenced so many?
Something magical happened in those 90 minutes together. The way Jay listened, responded, and engaged created a space where I could, unexpectedly, see myself more clearly.
And the thing about being witnessed by a stranger is there's no shared history, no previous context, no carefully curated resume preceding you. It's just...you. Real, unfiltered, present. And that's kinda where the magic lives.
This isn’t about impostor syndrome an oversimplified term we use more and more these days. This is more nuanced, more interesting. It's about how it’s possible to simultaneously know your worth (maybe even love yourself a bit too much, if we're being honest) while maintaining a clear inventory of your growth areas.
There's an authenticity in being truly seen by a stranger: it's just you, raw and immediate, simultaneously aware of your worth and your potential to evolve.
My drive home was filled with realizations.
What made those 90 minutes special wasn't what we talked about, it was that rare moment when how I saw myself and how I show up in the world perfectly aligned in someone else's eyes, that feeling of Yes, this is exactly who I think I am, and you're seeing it too.
It's why I do what I do, why I show up in spaces ready to be surprised by how similar we all are under our various masks and roles.
In these moments, how we see ourselves and our authentic presence lineup creating an indescribable (although I’ve tried here ;-)) feeling of recognition.
When was the last time you experienced this kind of connection and it felt like coming home to yourself?
So. In early 2017, following the first election of the current occupant of the Oval Office, a local woman organized our local "Huddle" group, inspired by the Women's March. Her vision was to not be political, but to find local needs and fill them. Our first initiative was a Kindness Week. We all needed a lot of kindness in 2017.
I was kind of in awe of her, to be honest. A couple months later she suggested we go for a walk. We picked a lightly traveled road along a river. During our easy conversations that day and for many, many days afterward, we learned we had a lot in common, right down to living in the same small Ohio city for a while – my last year of high school and her first year of college.
Long story short: She was a sister to me (my siblings are dead), and I to her (she had three little brothers) for seven good years. She died of breast cancer last year. I miss her now, and always will.
Shalom.