Nurturing Intentional Community
e x p a n d i n g our Front Row
I have a friend, let’s call her Schmachel.
When we spend time together and I listen to her talk about her weekend plans and her summer plans and and and I look at Schmachel and think:
“Holy moly you have a *lot* of friends.”
Work friends. College friends. High school friends. Childhood friends. Camp friends. Friends of friends.
Lots of friends.
Spoiler alert: I am not Schmachel.
She has all these FRP (dang it’s a big FR) and that’s definitely not my world.
Thinking about this made me curious if I were the norm (I’d say I have 5 soulmate friends and smatterings of women in circles outside of these 5 creating what in my non-visual mind resembles a target) or if most people were more like our sweet Schmachel.
Enter my listening to a podcast a few days later (there are no accidents) where the hosts veered from the announced topic and dove into a new-to-me concept called Dunbar’s Number
According to British anthropologist Robin Dunbar the “magic number” is 150.
He asserts, no matter what social media fools us into thinking with friends and followers, we can only maintain 150 connections (think holiday card-types whom we connect with 1-2x/year).
Dunbar then breaks it down even further.
According to him, we can maintain 50 ‘close friends.’
(Dunbar must know Schmachel. Where do they find all these ‘close’ friends?!)
After that, he asserts, we get to our Village Fifteen (my phrasing).
15 friends we know are there for us and can consistently turn to for support.
The most intimate, our five, is our closest support group.
These are the people I refer to as Soulmate Friends.
They are the core and essence of my village.
A village is a diverse community of interconnected humans
In an era of digital connectivity, loneliness paradoxically thrives.
We know this. We feel this.
There’s a void left by lack of genuine human connection which emphasizes the need for intentional community building.
Community creation which transcends mere proximity or serendipitous interactions and which requires deliberate effort and genuine engagement.
The first step?
Defining and identifying the diverse roles within our intentionally created community of connection.
Surround yourself with a circle of consistent support; it's the foundation that turns dreams into reality and setbacks into comebacks.
🔗 The Connector
These individuals possess an innate ability to bring people together.
They thrive on building bridges between diverse individuals and fostering inclusive conversations and environments.
Connectors facilitate introductions, organize events, and create opportunities for consistent interaction.
They weave the social fabric of a community.
Malcolm Gladwell initially coined this term and his test to see if you are a connector was fascinating yet simple:
He offered a l o n g list of last names to people and gave a point for each “yep I know someone with that last name” response.
Sure culturally biased; definitely a clear sign of the vast village of the Connectors.
👂The Listener
Or my preferred moniker the I’ve Got You.
In a world inundated with noise, listeners stand out for their empathetic ear and genuine interest in us and our lives.
Listeners offer a safe space for us to be wholly vulnerable. With them we can reveal our authentic selves and, as a result, foster deep connections and understanding.
Listeners play an important role in community as they combat loneliness through validating/normalizing experiences and providing consistent emotional support.
I treasure my IGY human as for me those three words exceed even the phrase I love you.
📖 The Mentor
Mentors embody wisdom, guidance, and encouragement.
They offer valuable insights, share experiences, and empower us to grow and thrive even when growth feels scary or impossible.
Mentors provide invaluable support when we are navigating challenges as they share perspective (tailored to us. they know us!), expertise and serve as a reminder we have navigated life's complexities before we can do it again (there’s that consistency of our soulmate friendships). Mentors also offer ideas around the HOW as they, too, are invested in our success.
💪 The Champion
Champions are passionate advocates for the well-being of individuals and/or of the entire circle.
They happily invest time and energy into fostering a culture of belonging (did we remember to invite___?) champion inclusivity (let’s maybe NOT do that because XX hated it last time), and amplify voices in the group.
Champions ensure everyone feels valued and respected—something which is as important in small circles as it is bigger communities.
👥 The Accomplice
An accomplice friend goes beyond the verbal affirmations of the ally; they embody unwavering solidarity.
They're the ones who spring into action alongside you, ready to tackle any challenge. Their support is active, dynamic, and steadfast.
In times of need, the accomplice doesn’t hesitate; they're at your side, fully committed to your cause.
This community member uses the pronoun WE when describing or discussing what is really *your* challenge.
With the accomplice-friend, you never face the world alone; you have a partner, a co-conspirator in the journey of life. Together, you navigate obstacles, celebrate victories, and forge a bond that's rooted in shared experiences and mutual support.
A consistent community of support is like weaving a safety net; it catches you when you fall and lifts you higher than you could climb alone
Cultivating intentional community requires the collective effort of diverse humans.
Your specific manifestations of the five key community members may vary, yet what remains universal is the importance of a diverse group of interconnected humans who complement, challenge and consistently support one another.
Now you.
Which of the 5 community members (connector, listener, champion, mentor accomplice) do you most often show up as?
Which of the 5 members is your favorite?
I think for most of my life I've been an accomplice, and sometimes that hasn't been a good thing (go along to get along, for example). Since my husband's death, I've found myself in both champion and connector roles, and both feel comfortable. I'm a natural listener, but I know better than to offer advice. Most people don't need it (I think we know what we need to do, we just need to talk about it) or want it. This has been a truly thought-provoking piece, and I thank you for writing it.