3 way to stop MUSTurbating...

and SHOULDing all over ourselves

Photo by Kelli Tungay on Unsplash

Years ago I enrolled in a Masters in Educational Counseling (M.Ed.) program at the University of Pittsburgh.

As one who identified as a lifelong learner vs a human who thrives in the classroom, I was surprised how much I enjoyed the entirety of the coursework, practicums and internships.

Not surprisingly, even though my current work isn’t technically counseling, I use the tools from that degree on a daily basis.

And my fave psychologist back then (do we say this? do others have fave psychologists??) was (and is) Albert Ellis.

Masturbation is good and delicious, but MUSTerbation is evil and pernicious.

Albert Ellis

Ellis introduced the concept of "musturbation," a term he coined to describe our human tendency to impose rigid, unrealistic demands on ourselves and others.

Essentially, musturbation refers to the irrational belief things must be a certain way in our lives even through the insistence on these musts eventually leads to emotional stress.

Are you a MUSTurbator? Wanna (snicker along with me and) STOP?

I’ve got you:

📌 Swap should for a request

For example, instead of getting annoyed with someone and saying to them:

You should have introduced me to your friend. We both love movies!

I now make an effort to say:

I wish you’d introduced me to Ellen. We like lots of the same things.

Instead of the blanket:

You should have told me your company was hiring in marketing. That’s what I do!

I rephrase/choose to say:

I wish you’d let me know there was an opening in marketing. I’m a badass brand storyteller. Did you know that about me?

When we make a concerted effort to clarify preferences and desires rather than stating rigid demands, it allows for flexibility and adaptability for us in the face of these situations.

We learn to jettison the I should have, too, because we realize ‘shoulds’ in actuality are sorta non-existent.

📌 Shift musts into I wish or I prefer

Central to Ellis' philosophy is the concept of unconditional acceptance of reality. Instead of resisting or fighting the inevitable uncertainties and imperfections in my life, I choose to cultivate a mindset of mindful acceptance.

👉 When we believe certain outcomes are absolute necessities, if our expectations are not met this causes distress.

👉 When we cling to our "must" statements it often involves catastrophic thinking, where we exaggerate the consequences of not achieving expectations.

👉 When we imagine worst-case scenarios we magnify the significance of situational outcomes and, in turn, amplify our stress response.

I’m not a fan of the phrase I wish.

It’s a personal preference, but it strikes me as stating a want, yet being unwilling to work for it.

What has been eye-opening for me is swapping in I want or I need when Id slipped back into saying should or must.

For me this language feels more as though I am acknowledging my personal desire (heeey vulnerability) and embracing the reality life can be unpredictable, imperfect, and, at times, seemingly unfair.

📌 Stop predicting the future

I live fully (too fully?) in the present so the realization/lesson of this one surprised me.

Yet, after consideration, I saw it’s exactly what I was subconsciously attempting to do each time I used the word: ought.

I was forcing a sense of obligation upon myself (I ought to go to that networking event. I ought to see if I can work for them. I ought to go to the fitness center and swim.).

I was attempting to control and predict the future.

Now, each time I begin to form that word, I pause and remind myself:

Even if things don’t currently look as I’d like them to TODAY it doesn’t mean they won’t improve.

SHOULDS and MUSTS limit our horizons and constrain our potential.

📌 MUSTurbation hurts in healthy living (I must not each sugar for 30 days because I’m doing a challenge! I must run 5 days a week or I’m not a fit person).

📌 MUSTurbation is a harmful mindset for parenting (my child should come home and immediately begin her homework.).

📌 MUSTurbation is detrimental to relationships (my partner ought to know my love language.).

When we adopt flexible, realistic attitudes instead of insisting on rigid musts and acknowledge we prefer certain outcomes we begin to realize one path is not the *only* way to happiness or success.

This mindset shift leads us to greater emotional resilience, a more adaptive approach to life's challenges and facilitates consistency (not perfection!) in all we do.

I’m done MUSTurbating and shoulding all over myself.

And you?

• Are you a MUSTurbator? Have you accidentally created a life defined by rules?
  

• How might you shed your shoulds, musts and oughts?