The YES, DAMMIT & NO, YAY Effect
rethinking our approach to Future Self
From Jim Carrey's comedic portrayal in Yes Man (love!) to Shonda Rhimes' bestselling book Year of Yes, there's been a cultural shift towards embracing the power of the affirmative. The premise here is simple: Saying yes as often as possible will lead us to personal growth, new experiences, and a fuller life.
The thing is, what if this constant YES’ing is hindering our ability to conceptualize, plan for and make our way to our Future Selves?
Enter Yes, Dammit and No,Yay! A phenomenon that explores how current decisions impact future reality.
The Yes, Dammit effect occurs when we impulsively agree to something, only to later regret it when our Future Self deals with the consequences. We've all experienced that moment when we say yes! to something, even as a tiny voice in our head whispers: Future You regrets this.
Think of it like this (which may or may not be based on a real scenario Past Carla navigated):
A co-worker approaches you with an exciting opportunity to join her on a project (yay)
It's big deal work that has the potential to shift the trajectory of your career (yay)
In the moment, it seems like a no-brainer: you'll gain new skills and expand your network! as a result you YES! on the spot.
However, as the project launch approaches, Yes, Dammit! kicks in. You slowly begin to realize you've overlooked two important things:
➡️ Time commitment: The project requires many hours on top of your already full workload
➡️ Skills gap: You'll need to quickly learn a new social media platform, requiring even more hours
Suddenly, what seemed like a great opportunity transforms into a source of stress.
When we begin to be able to recognize Yes, Dammit! in action (and it’s amazing how quickly we can learn this skill) we begin to make more mindful decisions that serve both our present and Future Selves.
The concept of No, Yay! (which I adore perhaps too much) was popularized by behavioral scientist Dilip Soman when he observed how people experience a sense of relief after declining opportunities. The concept emphasizes the positive power of saying no, as it allows us to prioritize well-being and make space for opportunities that align with our values.
No, Yay! fosters an intentional existence by embracing the freedom and space that comes from setting healthy boundaries
In an approach I find particularly innovative, Soman quite literally calendars the events he says no to. This way when the day comes and he sees the calendar notation he thinks: (oh good I said) NO—YAY!
Choosing when to say yes and no with discernment shapes our Future Selves, enabling us to craft a life reflecting our values and goals.
So, how’s a human to know what to do?
Strategies to help navigate these effects and cultivate deliberate decision-making:
📌 Develop a clear Future Self vision
All together now: the clearer the vision the easier the decision.
Prioritize reflecting on and connecting with your long-term goals and values. Creating a blueprint to your Future Self makes it easier to evaluate opportunities in the moment as they arise because you KNOW who you aspire to become.
📌 Practice mindful decision-making
Before saying yes, pause and consider the long-term implications.
Will this commitment align with your goals and values in six weeks? In six months?
📌 Embrace the power of let me think about it
Give yourself time to consider decisions rather than responding immediately.
My favorite practitioner of this is Oprah. I recall hearing her say (paraphrasing):
I never say yes to anything in the moment no matter how great it sounds! I tell people: I need to pray and ask Jesus about this and I’ll get back to you with a yes or no.
I immediately tweaked/appropriated this idea and language. I r a r e l y if ever say yes in the moment no matter how great the opportunity.
📌 Practice gracefully saying no
Recognize declining opportunities that don't serve you isn't selfish - it's necessary for maintaining focus and energy for what truly matters.
📌 Regularly check in with yourself
Are you feeling overcommitted? Are there any Yes, Dammit! situations you can rectify?
Taking the time to check in with yourself can help you get ahead of commitments and reassess priorities. This reflection can also provide a graceful way to step back from obligations that no longer serve you before it’s too late--freeing up space for what matters.
In the end, life's choices aren't about always saying yes or no. It's about finding balance. Saying yes can open exciting doors, yet sometimes sparks us to forget our Future Selves who are depending on us to make wise decisions today.
The key here is mindful decision-making. It’s developing an inner compass to navigate daily choices aiming for a mix of spontaneity and foresight.
Oh and also?
I urge you to give the No, Yay! calendar notation idea a try.
It’s been a tremendously helpful way for me to learn more about what present and Future Carla value.
Being able to say no is a skill that I developed later in life 😬 I do still have the impulsive YES issue sometimes and working on that. Hard 😂. I love the idea of saying, hmmm, let me think about that instead of the jumping up and down omg yes 😂
Signed,
Life-long people pleaser
Oh, wow, I will definitely give the calendar notation a spin around the block.
My 'say yes' experience has been a good one – zero regrets. I credit that to my ability to also say no.
Those 'no's' are most often a response to a request for me to do something for someone. While I frequently do say yes to such requests, when I decline, I'm saying yes to myself. Yes to not obligating my current OR future self to something I don't want to or can't do. Yes to being okay with possibly disappointing someone.
Consistently prioritizing my health – emotional, spiritual, and physical – helps me respond with a 'yes, I will do that for you,' or a 'yes, I will do this for me.'